Question: What is a bi-national love?
Answer: A love between two people of two different countries/nations.
As most adults know, extended love can present many hurdles. Add the ‘bi-national ingredient’ and the hurdles exponentially increase. Add the ‘gay ingredient’ and the hurdles can become impossible.
Many will tell you nothing is impossible with love. While that may have an air of truth to it, the levels of agonizing pain, related to love, can vary greatly. While true love knows no end, neither does the pain of a long distance love affair.
With the advent of the Internet, people of the world can ‘electronically touch’ each other without boundaries. Through the use of computers, computer cameras, speakers and microphones you can see, talk to and hear a person in an entirely different part of the world.
I ask that you approach this story with an open mind and read the entire story before you form an opinion.
Thank you
For me, this story started in 2003 at my computer console in my home, in San Antonio, Texas. I was on the Internet and had several software applications (programs) running. One of these programs was a popular instant messaging software. A screen popped up asking if I wanted to allow a person to contact me. I approved the request. After my approval a chat window opened.
On the other side of the chat window was Xyz. Xyz was kind and friendly. He told me he was in a cyber-café in Vietnam. It didn’t matter to me where he was from since we were just typing to each other on the computer. Of course his English wasn’t the best in the world and I had no knowledge of his language at all. But he had a cross-reference book where he could cross-reference English words with Vietnamese words and vice-versa.
Obviously communication was slow going. During each chat we would arrange a time for our next chat. We met online almost everyday. I don’t remember how long it was but we graduated from a simple chat only window to video and a chat window. In other words we could see each other while we typed to each other. Obviously seeing each other for the first time was a major change. We already knew each other’s age so there wasn’t any great surprise. But seeing each other added a whole new element to our budding friendship.
I was seeing other people pass by the camera and he would often introduce me. Soon I began to feel like many were my friends. After meeting them, if they happened to walk by while Xyz and I were talking they would wave at me and I would wave back. Many times they would stop and wave, waiting for my return wave. Sometimes they would ask him to ask me a question for them.
We started to make up names for different people at the cyber café. One lady often wore a large hat so we named her the hat lady. Another wanted to learn how to play chess. The next thing I knew, I was teaching her how to play chess. We ended up calling her the chess lady. Even the owner of the cyber café would stop and wave at me. So many friendly people and smiling faces made me feel like I had a whole new family.
Even though all these people were half way around the world, I felt so very close to them. I started to create English lessons for Xyz so we could communicate better. I even found a few online lessons to help him. Eventually he seldom needed the cross-reference book.
Needless to say, our friendship started to grow very strong. After several months he started calling me his boyfriend and lover. By that time I had the same feelings for him. Shortly after he had his mother come to the cyber café so I could meet her. I also met his father, brother, sisters, aunts, nephews and cousins. You see, their religion was Buddhism so homosexuality was a non-issue. There was no damnation or judgment.
His father and brother would come down to the cyber-café quite often. Xyz would always tell me “Father come today” or “Brother come today”. The family even wanted me to create some family photo albums and videos. So I created both. The family would show the videos at home as well as the photo albums. Of course, an explanation that this is Tom “lover of Xyz” would always accompany the video showings and photo displays.
There were a couple times Xyz was ill. He called, or had family call, the cyber café and asked them to log on to the computer, as Xyz, to tell me what was wrong. There were other times Xyz would come to the cyber café with pink eye and show me on the camera.
I would send packages over to the family with gifts. Xyz's Father loved lipton tea and was very excited when I would send him a box of lipton tea bags. He would even bring his own lipton tea bags to the cyber café when he came to visit.
Xyz's Father was a very kind man but I must tell you more of his story. I warn you that this part of the story might make you angry or emotional because it sure had that affect of me.
You see, Xyz and his family live in the Southern part of Vietnam as they did when the Vietnam War broke out.
Much like the civil war in the United States the Vietnam War was a war between the north and the south. As you probably already know, the United States became involved in the 1960’s. In fact, my father was stationed in Saigon in 1964 (USA Army). As a side note, Saigon is now called Ho Chi Minh City and this is where Xyz and his family live.
The United States Military was helping the South Vietnamese people during the war. Xyz’s Father signed up to help the United States Military. Since he knew the area he became a driver for them. The United States promised him that he and his family could come to the USA after the war. Unfortunately and unacceptably the United States lied!
After the United States left Vietnam the North Vietnamese were killing any persons, and their families, who helped the United States during the war. Xyz’s Father was forced to destroy all evidence of him helping the United States. Additionally Xyz’s Father was forced to use a new name. Due to this Xyz’s Father has never been able to get a job. Since he has no valid paperwork he can not become gainfully employed. Out of fear for the safety of himself and his family, he must remain in hiding for the rest of his life.
I’m sure many of you have heard of the Vietnamese boat people. After the war many Vietnamese escaped Vietnam by boat. Xyz’s Father tried to put his children on those boats but was unsuccessful. On one attempt, they were almost captured by the North Vietnamese authorities.
After hearing this story and talking with Xyz’s Father many times I was able to get names of some military officers he remembered driving for. I spent countless hours researching in hopes of finding these two men. I attempted, without luck to call and I even wrote a letter. However, I never received any response.
I wrote the state department and did get a response that stated if Xyz’s Father had proof (documentation) they would be able to help. Sadly, Xyz’s Father, in fear of his life and the life’s of his family members, had destroyed all evidence. I can not put into words my outrage and frustration over these events. Our country placed these people at risk with a promise to protect them and then tossed them out like yesterdays garbage!
My father retired from the US Army as a Lt. Colonel. He fought 3 wars for this country. A country that supposedly stands for liberty and justice for all! How in the world can we do such a thing? If we value the life of others so little, how can we ever expect others to value our life?
I will never forget, from the cyber café, the day when the Xyz’s Father looked directly in that camera and told me his son was now mine. It seemed more like a passionate plea of compassion rather than a fatherly approval. It was a plea from a man and family that had been ruined by my country (the United States). A man who had been used, abused and spit out. A man who could no longer support his family and had to depend on his wife to support him and the family.
I have never felt so ashamed to be an American Citizen!
Xyz and I continued to communicate. The English lessons continued. The love grew and so did the frustration.
You see I had started to research immigration options. I knew United States heterosexual citizens had options available to them for these purposes. I had heard United States homosexual citizens had no options available. Again, my father fought three wars for this country and I assure you he didn’t do so for his heterosexual children alone!
I also heard something about a phrase that says All Men Are Created Equal!
With great sadness and a heavy heart I was not able to find a solution. Xyz wanted me to come live in Vietnam. I told him that would be illegal. I could not come and stay there legally. I looked into becoming an ESL teacher over there. Unfortunately I didn’t qualify.
I considered both of us immigrating to another country and that only compounded the problems.
One day Xyz told me he had a friend who had found a USA lawyer that could help. The lawyer was Vietnamese and a licensed lawyer in the USA. Xyz told me the lawyer could get Xyz into the USA. I asked how and it took a couple weeks for Xyz to get the answer. I won’t go into details but I will say when the government creates laws and rules, which are unconstitutional, and unfair it should come as no surprise when some use other methods.
Xyz actually got me a phone number for the lawyer and I called it. However I only got a voicemail system and never received a response. I knew the lawyer was doing illegal things but he was asking for a large sum of money and I wasn’t willing to let go of my life savings without knowing more. Since it was obvious the lawyer felt he could not trust me, I felt the same about him.
Love does strange things to people and I was beginning to feel very desperate. I had a friend I spoke with online who was from Mexico. He was living in Canada and had been doing so for almost a year. He told me I would have better prospects in Canada. I knew Canada had marriage equality.
I started to look for work in the Vancouver, BC, Canada area. It wasn’t long before I heard from a company up there who said they would be interested in speaking with me when I arrived. Silly me, I took the man on his word.
Don’t forget Xyz and myself have been connecting online almost everyday during all of this. So our attachment for each other just continued to grow. Also, by this time we were talking by voice and seeing each other (video conferencing).
One of my father’s dreams was to make sure all his children had a roof over their head. Father had fulfilled that dream before he passed on. I had a ¼ acre track with a manufactured home. It was very comfortable and paid for. I wanted to bring Xyz there to live with me. However, the laws of my country said I couldn’t. Throwing caution to the wind, I sold my home.
After all was said and done I had about $45,000. Of course I had told Xyz what I was doing. I had also told my mother, who, by the way, was furious with me! Xyz wanted me to send the money for the lawyer. The lawyer wanted $35,000.
I felt like I was being pulled in 10 directions at the same time. I didn’t trust the lawyer. I also wondered, if I gave the money to the lawyer what would happen. I would probably have to relocate to another state. There I would need to rent a place to stay and find a job before my money ran out. It just seemed like that plan would be cutting things very close.
Also, if the lawyer was a crook and didn’t do what he said, or wanted more money, things could go very sour very fast. Then Xyz and I would be left high and dry. Xyz and I would still not be together and I would be penniless in a new place. Xyz assured me his friend that was using the lawyer was already in the USA.
Perhaps it was the wrong decision, but I bought a used motor home and headed for Canada. Even Xyz’s Mother questioned me. I felt my chances would be better in Canada.
Once I arrived in Canada I contacted the company who had told me they would be interested in speaking with me. There was no response! Of course it had been 4 or 5 months since the man had contacted me. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I had a cell phone I used to get on the Internet. Xyz and I were still talking each day. I would connect my laptop to my cell phone and get on the Internet through the cell phone. So we were still able to do our video conferencing.
Next I made an appointment with an immigration lawyer in Canada. He was a gay immigration lawyer. I discussed Xyz with him as well as myself. I advised him I wanted to find a way for the two of us to be together. He told me I was on the right track and asked me about my education levels, etc. At the end of my consultation I was told my education level was not adequate and he could not assist me in any way. I paid him the $200 for the 1-hour consultation and left his office very depressed.
As an American citizen I could stay in Canada for 90 days as a tourist. Afterwards I would need to exit the country. After being up there for about a month and a half I received my first cell phone bill. Due to Xyz and myself having our daily video conferencing my cell phone bill was around $4000.
There had been a huge misunderstanding. Prior to entering Canada I had changed my cell phone plan and thought I was covered in Canada for unlimited data. It turned out I wasn’t. I was furious and told them, in no uncertain terms, I had no intention of paying it. Surprisingly, they wrote it off and didn’t bill me for it. But I wasn’t allowed to use the phone for data in Canada any longer.
Needless to say, I headed back for the USA the next day. While driving back I was crying and felt like I had been beat by the system. I felt there were no options left on the table. I had given up everything and it still wasn’t enough. I accepted the fact that Xyz and I could not be together. I felt like a total looser.
To add insult to injury when I arrived at the USA border, the USA border guards (homeland security) treated me like I was a drug smuggler. They asked me why I was using ‘that’ border crossing. I explained I had missed the turn and a person at a gas station told me to use this one instead of turning around. They advised me to not put my hands in my pocket when they were talking to me. They required me to wait inside while they searched my vehicles. After they told me I could go, I thanked them for the warm welcome back home.
Once back on USA soil I knew I could use my cell phone again to get on the Internet. I started to wonder what I was going to tell Xyz. I had failed and there was nothing more I could do. There wasn’t even enough money left to try using the lawyer.
I felt I had to tell Xyz to find someone else, someone that could afford an expensive illegal lawyer. He told me no. He told me over and over and over again he loved me and only me. I told him over and over I was a failure; that I could do nothing for us and we could not be together.
I tried to explain that immigration laws and country borders kept us apart. I tried to explain that it didn’t matter how much we loved each other. Our love was only important to us and no one else cared, especially our countries.
I told Xyz he had to find someone richer than me. He told me he loved me and didn’t want to love anyone else. He wouldn’t listen to me. I felt like I had no other choice but to just cut off communications with him. So I did! It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.
After almost 2 years of talking almost every day I felt like I had cut off a piece of me! I felt what I did to him was as bad as, if not worse than, what my country did to his father and family.
I settled in the Seattle area and disappeared from society. I rarely left my motor home except to get food and such. I was so angry and sad. Then I started to relate the experience to the time I lost a love to HIV. I told myself if I could survive that I can make it through this as well.
I had blocked Xyz from my computer that day I told him goodbye so I didn’t hear from him again. As far as he knew, I was not on the Internet. In his mind I had left him. I had abandoned him and as far as he was concerned, if I could do that I probably didn’t ever love him!
However about 3 years later I had a computer issue and he ended up seeing me online. He contacted me. I ignored him and pretended not to see his message. Perhaps a year later I would acknowledge him and speak with him again.
We are talking again now. He is still single. I am single also. He says he still loves me, that I have always been his only one true love.
So here we are, 5-6 years later. No laws have changed. I still live in my motor home and my ‘station in life’ is worse now that it was when this all first started. In other words, there isn’t much either of us can do.
The USA Congress is talking about UAFA (the Uniting American Families Act) which would bring forth immigration equality for homosexuals. Of course, with my current situation, even if UAFA were to become a reality, I probably wouldn’t qualify.
I only have one question.
If you loved someone and were told you couldn’t have a life with that person, how would you feel?
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